Seeing Through Myself
by newbornvamp
Summary: What if Bella were one of us? Just a Twilight fic writer like one of us? What if she had one heck of a messed up love life to boot? No Jacob and Edward fighting over her. Here.. Bella walks in MY shoes. AH AU Rated M for language and possible lemons.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N – This fic just came to me last night. I wanted to write angst, so here's my attempt. This chapter is really based on my last relationship, I figured if I wanted to write angst the best way to do it was to write about my own angst! Is that crazy? Haha. Let me know what you think. This story is probably going to be on the shorter side, about 6-10 chapters. Oh and yes, some of these characters are based on people I actually know.. names have been changed to protect the innocent. Yes, I do actually own a 90lb Labrador who hates men! "Nessie" is real ;) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the characters, however I do own the fucked up relationship story in this first chapter! **

**Chapter 1:**

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_Cause nobody wants to do it on their own_

_And everyone wants to know they aren't alone_

_There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere_

_There's gotta be somebody out there for me_

I grit my teeth so hard I was afraid they were going to crack, and my first gripped the steering wheel so hard my skin turned white against my knuckles. I adored Nickleback but this song struck a chord of anger within me, especially when I was drunk.

I probably shouldn't even be driving, but I was almost home.

It was another Saturday night I spent out at the bar, at least this time I was with a couple of friends. I was making trips to the bar alone too much of a habit lately. Drinking alone is not a good thing; in fact it's a pretty damn scary thing when some creeper sits next to you at the bar.

I've had to fight off the urge of putting a napkin over my glass to fend off the possible roofie.

But then again, who would even want to slip me a roofie in the first place.

The gravel crunched under the tires of my car as I drove up the slope of the driveway. Climbing out of the car I grabbed my phone seeing I had a text message from Alice who was one of the friends I was out with tonight.

_Let me know when you make it home! –Alice_

I juggled my purse and keys with one hand as I quickly typed her a reply. _Opening the door now. See ya later. –B_

I loved Alice to death. She was my best friend, but I was also always the third fucking wheel with her and her husband Jasper. When I did manage to steal Alice away from Jasper she was usually preoccupied and the nights usually ended long before I was ready.

I was a little peeved tonight because of this; I was at my bar and I was eyeing up this bartender I had been crushing on for only about six months. His name was Jacob, he was 25 and he was nice and funny and would give me free drinks. What the fuck did that mean?

He didn't know that I was 29 and about to say hello to my 30th birthday in a few short months. But wasn't age just a number?

I sighed as I unlocked the door before I was greeted by my overly large Labrador Retriever, Nessie. Yeah, I can't remember what I was smoking the day I named her. Nessie was great, and I loved her. She was really my only true friend sometimes. She listened when I talked and never told any of my secrets to anyone.

Not to mention she never judged me.

The problem? Nessie hated anything that had a penis. A 90lb barking and snarling dog can be quite scary to possible suitors.

_Ask me how I fucking know that. _

Nessie wasn't always like that. This was new. This started after my ex; also Nessie's co-owner moved the fuck out of our shared home. Emmett and I lived together for two years, until things got tense. I was paying for everything and then one night PMS and too many Miller Lites got the best of me.

"_Where is this going Em? I just want to know why I am doing what I'm doing. Is this relationship going anywhere?" I had to ask. It was weighing on my mind. It was a fair question, or so my delusional drunken self thought._

"_You know I don't want to get married Bella." He was stone cold as he answered. _

"_Why? I'm not talking tomorrow or hell even next year Emmett. But is this ever going to go anywhere?"_

_He didn't answer me till three days later. _

"_This is over. I'm leaving." He was emotionless on the couch as he told me. _

_I broke down that night, sobbed for hours. He came in the bedroom and asked me if I wanted him to leave that night and find somewhere to stay. Of course me being the doormat I am said no. _

_Emmett didn't speak to me again until two more days passed when he called me that Friday afternoon. "You better get the utilities switched into your name, I'm out tonight."_

_How the fuck do you find a place in two days? TWO DAYS?_

_I sobbed again, begged him to talk with me and work this out. He refused._

_That night, I was due at a rehearsal dinner for a wedding I was in. Want to know the real kick in the nuts? It was his sister, Leah's wedding. So while I put on my happy face and did what I needed to do while he was literally moving all of his shit out in a three-hour time span. THREE hours, who does that? _

_I knew the family was whispering behind my back._

_I came home that night and my heart felt as empty as my place was, and honestly I've only felt the comfortable numbness ever since._

I scolded myself for thinking about it. I hated when I did this, and I had a tendency to do it while I was drunk. I clipped Nessie's leash to her and took her outside. The night air was cool, and I could see the stars. After she did what she needed to do she happily lead the way back to the front porch, I glanced at the empty parking space next to my car before going back inside. I didn't want to go down this road tonight but I already made the turn and there was no way I was going to stop myself.

_Hurt fucking hurts._

It was late, but I wasn't that tired. On my way to the computer desk I stopped at the fridge and pulled out another ice-cold beer, I wasn't ready to call it night quite yet.

_It was almost two years, and it still stung like it was yesterday._

The beer was going down all too easy, and I knew I should really walk away from the computer. I was going to put something on my Facebook that was going to as usual cause a shitload of drama.

I never did understand why that was.

No matter what I said, when I posted on how I felt people felt the need to tell me about it. That's great, but in my opinion they could just fuck off.

_You aren't there to talk to me when I'm feeling down so mind your business._

I logged in and scrolled through the various posts on the feed. It was mostly just a bunch of posts from games and other stupid bullshit. I clicked on the box and began to think about what I wanted to type there. I thought about the lyrics from another wonderful Nickelback song that used to be Emmett's ringtone.

In my status box I typed lyrics from Far Away. _I wanted. I wanted you to stay. Cause I needed. I need to hear you say, I love you._

I knew by morning someone would have some smartass comment to make about it. I turned in my chair and studied the emptiness of my place. Sometimes I could still see him, lounging on the couch or simply just walking by me.

I shut my eyes tightly and thought about Jacob.

He was cute and super nice to me. He even let me read a short story he wrote for a class after I told him I write as a hobby. It was funny and well written. We laughed.

But I never had the balls to ask him out or to even really get too personal.

_What. The. Fuck. Bella._ Oh great. I pissed off the inner me. _Grow some damn balls. What's the worst that will happen, you'll get rejected? Find out he has a girlfriend? Then you just find another damn bar to go to and wallow your sorrows in. Shouldn't be hard around here!_

That's just what I was afraid of, finding out he had a girlfriend. He was always texting someone on his phone while I was there.

_Eh, who the fuck are you kidding Swan? Jacob is so far out of your league that you aren't even good enough to be gum on the bottom of his shoe!_

I was right. Jacob was handsome, dark hair and eyes and beautiful russet color skin. He was muscular I could tell because his shirts were always very tight on his biceps.

A drop of drool hit my hand and I opened my eyes.

_You are just plain jane Bella Swan with nothing to offer a man like him._

I sighed and chugged the rest of my beer before heading off to join Nessie in bed.

_Yup, how sad. The only person you've shared a bed with for almost a year is your dog! _ _And the last person you had sex with was Emmett because he booty called you and you thought it meant he wanted you back! You are in sad shape Bella. Better go out and get a couple of cats now, start your collection early._

Thank you drunk inner self, I was going to go and slit my wrists now.

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**A/N – And there we have it. Let me know what you guys think. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N – Remember, this is just for fun. I love those angst/humorous stories I read so I am giving it a shot. I know it's not even in the same ballpark as some of the great ones! But I am having a blast writing this, I love being off the wall and fucked up! :)**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 2:**

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_You're sick of feeling numb._

_You're not the only one._

_I'll take you by the hand, and I'll show you a world that can understand._

_This life is filled with hurt._

_When happiness doesn't work._

_-Three Days Grace Pain_

"Emmett! Wait!" I tried to yell but my voice would only come out as a whisper. Emmett was walking away from me, he was leaving. I couldn't let him go, not again. I wanted to run so I commanded my feet to move.

_Why was I running in slow motion for fuck's sake?_

"Emmett!" My voice was now just a tiny squeak, like a mouse. Emmett didn't hear me; he was getting further and further away from me. Again I tried to make my feet move getting just as much success as the last time I tried.

_Ok. I was really beyond frustrated at this point._

Suddenly, a hand grabbed my arm and flung me around. "Let him go, Bella." It was Jacob.

_Where the fuck did he come from? And how the fuck did he know my name? I thought for sure I was just 'that girl that comes in by herself and tips me really well'._

"Jacob?" My voice was suddenly very loud. Jacob left go of my arm and morphed into a huge russet color wolf, the wolf's fur matched his skin tone.

My jaw hit the ground.

I felt a rush of air and then an icy cold hand on my arm. I looked over and Emmett had returned and he was staring at me weird. Looking at me like I was something to eat, and his eyes were funny.

_They were fucking red._

I heard a growl escape the belly of the wolf and Emmett opened his mouth and two long fangs shot out of his gums. I jumped back about three feet. The wolf pounced on Emmett and I heard metallic noises as he was ripped limb from limb and once the wolf ripped off his head; Emmett's body exploded into a big pile of blood and goo on the ground.

_Fucking gross._

The wolf was back next to me, it almost looked smug. It morphed back into the human form of Jacob. "I told you to let him go Bella."

The human Jacob began licking my face.

"Jacob, stop. Please." It wasn't exactly my idea of foreplay. He wouldn't stop; I swatted him away with my hand. My hand didn't touch skin, instead it touched something furry. My eyes shot open to see Nessie standing over me.

_Oh holy mother of fucked up dreams. No more leftover pizza before bed. I think I was spending way too much time with Twilight and True Blood. Yeah. Way too much time._

I pulled myself out of the divot my body had left in the mattress, joints and muscles aching in protest. I had to get up before I had to clean up a puddle. Actually, it was more like a lake with Nessie.

Once I got Nessie settled I poured myself a bowl of cereal and headed over to my usual spot at the computer desk. Flipping on the monitor I immediately opened the internet and headed to check my email.

There were 10 new messages, 9 of them were from letting me know that I had some reviews of love on my newest update of my story _Things Aren't Always as They Seem_. I read each one, the smile on my face brightening. I loved writing, one day I hoped to write something I could maybe get published.

The last email was from Plentyoffish telling me I had a new email. _Bella, you have a new message from BrnzBoy201._

I rolled my eyes; I honestly didn't even know why I kept my profile on there. The majority of the time I knew what the messages said before I even opened them. It was usually one of three things: _whats up, hey sexy, _or message that just says _hi._

_Could you manage to get a little more creative? Hi? Like I've never heard that one before._

I had a policy when it came to responding to messages. If they only wrote me a 3 word message I never responded. If they actually took the time and wrote something thoughtful and was at least a couple of sentences long I would respond no matter what they looked like.

_Needless to say I've only responded to like 2 people in the last six months. Sigh._

I typed my username and password into the site and logged in; the 1 new message icon in the corner of the screen was blinking. Clicking it, I saw brnzboy201's picture next to his message.

_Helllooooo!_

He was pretty darn easy on the eyes I had to admit. Now to see what he had to say.

_Hello there twigirl593! My name is Edward. I am a 32 year old contractor. I have no kids. Let me ask you, what is it you like to write about? What gives you inspiration? I think it's important that we all have a creative outlet for ourselves. I hope that you write back, I would love to chat with you and get to know you better. _

Ok. I could deal with his message. He asked questions, probably just to pretend he was interested though. I quickly typed my reply. I didn't divulge that my inspiration for writing was actually vampires and werewolves from Twilight and True Blood. I didn't tell him I write fanfiction where the main character Kristen gets it on with the vampire Robert and the werewolf Taylor even though the books strongly stress to wait to have sex.

_But it was my alternate universe. _

I hit send and my reply was off. I was curious to see what he would say back, how long we'd dance this dance before we'd meet up and then I would never speak to him again.

_Nobody. And I mean nobody had made it past date #3 in the last 2 years._

The week went by; too bad it felt like about 1,000 years. It drug on forever. My job sucks. I do nothing during the week usually. I work, come home, relax, and then write. It was cheap. Living alone kept my fun money to a minimum.

Edward and I sent witty and interesting messages back and forth at least once a day, and he even wanted to know if I was interested in grabbing a drink and something to eat on Saturday.

I agreed.

_What the fuck. Good job for finally coming to your damn senses._

Oh great. I had awoken the inner bitch and she was about to give me an ass reaming. Maybe I could shut her up with some cookies or some chocolate?

_Enough crying and wallowing in your own pity over that douche bag Emmett, he didn't deserve us. Let him have his new girlfriend. And you shall have that sexy ass man you are seeing tomorrow. _

I had to admit she had a point. I snatched my keys off the table and grabbed my purse; I think I needed to do a little shopping for something to wear tomorrow night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

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_I still recall the taste of your tears._

_Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears._

_My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore._

_Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore._

_-Nine Inch Nails, Something I can Never Have_

_I didn't dare tell anyone I had a date._

That would not have gone over very well. I would just be sure to pack my pepper spray and limit my alcohol consumption. I didn't like to drink my dates under the table anyway; I've found that sometimes men don't really find that attractive.

I had found a really cute black top that I planned on wearing tonight. Of course I would pick something black, if you opened my closet it looked like it belonged to someone who was all emo and shit.

_Ok, guilty as charged._

It was getting late when I left the mall and I had to drive past the bar where Jacob bartends at. The parking lot was empty, and I was tempted to stop. I knew that Friday nights weren't good to stop though, sometimes they just have him serving people in the bar area and not actually working behind the bar. That meant he was busy and didn't have time to chit-chat.

_God, I was such a fucking stalker._

I decided just to head home and call it a night; I was going to make sure I was staying away from the damn leftover pizza though!

_My hands were fucking glowing._

"Bella." I looked up at the source of the husky voice, it was Jake. He was standing next to me. "You're a fairy."

_Say what?_

"I'm a fairy? How fucking lame." I brought my glowing hands closer to my face before they started fading out. I felt another presence, I looked over and it was bronze boy in the flesh. "Edward?"

"Really Bella. You should keep better company than this." Edward's words brought a low growl from Jacob.

And that's when I noticed the red dot on the wall next to my head, "Uh, guys save it for later". I grabbed an arm from each of them and pulled them down to the floor with all my fairy strength. "We are getting shot at."

The wall above my head exploded and pieces of plaster and paneling peppered my face.

_Ugh._

I rolled over in bed and tried to wipe the non-existent crap off my face with my non-glowing hands. I couldn't remember what I ate this time before bed but I had decided I wasn't eating anything after 5 ever again. I could her Nessie's soft snoring; peaking at the bedside clock I saw it was only 2:15am.

Groaning I rolled over and headed back to dream land, maybe I would at least find out I had some other kind of cool fairy powers?

The next thing I knew I was rolling over and light now poured through the curtain directly into my eyes. I squinted my eyes and looked at the red numbers on the clock, 11:14am.

_Oh holy shitballs._

I didn't want to sleep in that long, not that I had anything to do all day but still. I jumped out of bed and threw on the first crumbled up shirt that I could find. I took Nessie outside and fed her breakfast, then settled into my routine until it was date time.

With some old school Britney Spears blaring in the background, you know the stuff she made before she went psycho, I finished getting dressed to go meet Edward. I slipped my pepper spray into my pocket, and any guy with half a brain could tell what the bulge was in my pants.

_Or was I just happy to see you Eddie?_

I wondered if my pepper spray bulge had scared off other potential suitors? I would usually take it out before the end of the night if he seemed harmless, but it was never far. It would go from pants pocket to purse pocket.

I checked myself over once more in the mirror and decided it was the best it was going to be. Grabbing a dog treat from the kitchen I tossed it to Nessie as I made my way out the door. "Be good." I patted her on the head and she looked up at me before climbing up into the chair that sat adjacent from the door.

Turning the key and starting my engine, I looked up once more into the rear view mirror just making sure everything still looked okay in different lighting.

_And I was off._

Edward was meeting me for dinner at a place called The Pepperwood Grille. I had been there once or twice, it wasn't anything special which was fine by me and at least I knew there was something on the menu I would eat. Depending on how this went, we were going to go out for drinks. Depending on how it went would also determine if we would ride to the bar in one car or two.

_Yeah, I had my inane little rules. Hence my singledom._

As I made my way down the long driveway and out to the road I popped in my favorite Linkin Park CD and turned the volume the whole way up.

I pulled into the parking lot, right on time. Edward had said he drove a silver Volvo and I spotted it off to the left side of the building, an empty spot right next to it.

I debated this over in my head.

_If I park next to him, he'll watch me get out of my car. I don't like to be rushed or watched as I do my thing. But this would make it easier to take two cars to our next destination instead of just one since they are both right there. Hmm. What to do? What to do? But if I don't want to go anywhere else with him, then it will be really awkward. He'd feel obligated to walk me to my door first, and I couldn't exactly beat a hasty retreat since his car is next to mine._

I chose a parking space about eight spaces down from his car. This was probably my first strike in his eyes tonight. I grabbed my shit quickly and climbed out of my car and I saw that bronze boy himself was walking over to me.

It was a fucking sex walk, and it made my body want to go unf.

_Focus. Fucking focus._

"Bella, nice to meet you in person." Ugh. His voice was like pure velvet and he made my knees weak. He took my hand and gently kissed the back of it. Immediately I regretted the tell-tell pepper spray bulge that I was sure was evident.

"It's a pleasure to meet you too, Edward." Yes. It was. Emphasis on the _pleasure._

He offered me his arm, which I took even though I thought it was kind of silly and together we walked into the restaurant. We were seated right away, which surprised me. I guess that it wasn't quite as busy here as it was at say, TGI Fridays.

_Mmm… Jack Daniel's Chicken!_

The atmosphere of this restaurant was calming, the lights were low so it was darker and I really liked that about this place. Our waitress handed us our menus told us the specials and took our drink order.

"We'll just have a bottle of Merlot, please." My eyes shot up from my menu to Edward.

_What. The. Fuck._

Not that I didn't mind a man trying to be romantic and all that happy shit, I didn't drink wine. Give me a damn ice-cold draft beer and I would be a happy woman. Wine didn't sit well with me, but I kept my mouth shut and left Edward dig himself a hole.

_Of course the sex hair was wining him brownie points._

When the waitress came back to take our orders I chose the chicken piccata and Edward chose the 8oz filet. He then poured me a glass of wine and handed it to me, grin and all.

We made some small talk and did the typical round-robin questioning that went on during first dates. Personally, I hated this bullshit and wished I didn't have to keep enduring it.

_Maybe if you left someone get past the first couple dates you wouldn't have to!_

Ah, great. I was wondering when the inner bitch was going to rear her ugly head.

Dinner was good, and things did go pretty well. The time I was dreading was fast approaching, the end of the dinner part of the date.

_Would we go somewhere else? It was still early. Would he reject me first? Would we ride together or separate? Would he try to kiss me before I got into my car?_

I really tried to not hyperventilate.

After Edward paid the bill and we headed outside he again offered me his arm, "Would you like to go have a couple of drinks Bella?"

I stopped in my tracks, my eyes meeting his. His emerald orbs almost sparkled at me, they fucking dazzled me. I nodded. I couldn't even bring myself to speak at this point.

"Ok, then." Edward smiled at me, "We can just leave your car here and we'll come back for it then."

I didn't argue as Edward opened the passenger door of his stupid shiny silver Volvo for me and I slid in on the leather seat. He climbed into the driver's side and turned the key the engine purred like a kitten compared to my car.

I had no idea where we were going, but I knew what bar was close and I prayed Edward didn't pick that one.

_Not that it mattered, Jake doesn't even know you are alive except when it comes time to tip him._

I had almost forgotten about Jake. Edward's sex hair was making me forget my true passion in life, and that was to squirt chocolate syrup all over Jake's muscles and lick it off.. slowly.

I hadn't even realized I had my eyes shut until the car stopped.

"Come on, my driving isn't that bad." He chuckled as he unclipped his seat belt and opened his door.

Reluctantly, I opened my eyes to see the bright lights of the bar I dreaded he was going to pick.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!_

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**A/N – Having fun here! Leave some lovin'! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

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'_Cause when I'm with him I'm thinking of you._

_Thinking of you, what would you do?_

_If you were the one spending the night._

_Oh, how I wish I was looking into your eyes._

Sure as shit the lights from the sign that hung over the bar I frequented (even if it was only to watch Jake's muscles play under his almost too tight uniform shirts) lit up the interior of the Volvo. I said a silent prayer before I got out of the car that maybe, just maybe, Jake was off tonight. Maybe he called in sick, or maybe he was just off enjoying a vacation day or something.

The passenger door opened and Edward was standing there holding his hand out to me, I took it but the reluctance was completely evident. I wondered if he noticed the air between us changed dramatically since the restaurant.

It was cold and icy now.

We entered the bar and the waitresses greeted us, I used this opportunity to steal my hand back from Edward. "I'll be right back." I motioned towards the bathrooms.

He nodded, "Would you like to sit at the bar?"

I snuck a peek past him and sure as shit there was Jake, luckily he hadn't seen me yet. I just nodded to Edward and quickly ducked into the bathroom.

_Maybe if Jake didn't see me come in with Edward he will just think I sat next to him?_

First of all, Jake wasn't that dumb. Secondly, if there is nobody there why oh why would I just randomly sit next to Edward when I never sit next to anyone any other time.

_Ugh._

I looked at my reflection in the mirror quickly before heading off to face the music; I mean really it wasn't like I ever even had a chance with Jake.

As I turned the corner from the bathroom that would lead me over to the bar area, I ran smack into Edward.

_Nice. He decided to wait for me, so we could sit together. Awww. Fuck you!_

"I decided to just wait for you. There's nobody here, but I didn't know if you were one of those game machine types?"

_Seriously. He had to wait to see if I wanted to sit next to the damn game machine? _

I shook my head, "No that's ok."

I followed him, my eyes focused on Jake the entire time. He still hadn't looked up from his cell phone, where he was probably texting his girlfriend anyway.

As I climbed up into the bar stool next to Edward, the scraping of the chair on the floor got Jake's attention. His eyes met mine and he looked from me to Edward.

_God. I felt like I was betraying him. But I wasn't!_

He walked over to us, "What can I get for you guys tonight?"

"I'll have a glass of Merlot and whatever for the lady." Edward pulled his wallet out of his back pocket.

"You want a Miller Lite?" Jake knew what my drink of choice was, and I nodded. He brought us our drinks, his gaze meeting mine one last time before he turned his back to us and he started unloading the dishwasher. I felt like I just wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor.

_Oh snap out of it. Is he in your bed every night? No. He's not. Reality check, you are not his girlfriend nor have you ever been. Edward is here, he might actually be interested so don't blow it._

I hated the inner bitch. I think that she thought with our vagina and not our heart. I guessed that's what made her a bitch in the first place.

I sipped my beer, it was nice and cold just the way I liked it. I knew that it was going to go down too easy, and that was not a good thing. I tended to not watch the words that came out of my mouth when I had a little too much to drink.

Edward sipped his wine and we continued our conversation from the restaurant, but the air between us had changed and I think it was a permanent change. The more that I heard Edward say, the more I knew that I would probably not be calling him for a second date.

First of all, he was not an animal lover. That seemed to be a recurring theme with men I dated, and Nessie wasn't exactly something you could overlook. A little conversation and three drinks later, "Well this was nice, but I really need to get going. I'll gladly drop you off at your car."

_He felt the doom too._

Jake came over to check on us, and I noticed that when he did he refused to look me in the eyes even though I had been staring at him. "This on the same check or separate?"

_That struck me as an odd question. Was he holding out hope that I wasn't there on a date and just friends with the wine sipper?_

"Same." Edward answered already pulling a fifty out of his wallet. I sure hope he at least left Jake a damn nice tip.

We pulled back into the parking lot of the restaurant and parked right next to my car. "Well thanks for the evening Edward."

_Can we say awkward?_

"You're welcome. Thank you for your company, have a nice evening Bella." I opened the door of the Volvo and climbed out, not looking back in case he thought I wanted a kiss or something. Shutting the door behind me I breathed a sigh of relief, and Edward pulled out and drove away without even making sure I got in my car.

_Ouch._

Of course it was my fault. I climbed in my car and started the engine, and pointed it in the direction of home. What else was I going to do tonight? Go back to Jake's bar alone?

Hardly. What exactly would that solve? Maybe it was good he thought I was somewhere with sex hair, maybe he would realize that he was actually interested in me and… _Oh fuck what am I thinking?_

I made plans to go tomorrow and get myself a book or something because you know going to Barnes and Noble and getting a self-help book is better than actually going to a doctor. They had to have something there that could give me some kind of direction.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

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_Do I sit here and try to stand it?_

_Or do I try to catch them red-handed?_

_Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness?_

_Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?_

_-Linkin Park By Myself_

_Spearmint gum. This was the shiznit, I was sure of it._

It was mid-afternoon and I was driving in my car rocking out to some Amy Winehouse.

_They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no!_

I must have been a real site with my "Wolfgirl" decal in the back window, because I am totally Team Taylor after all. Kristen totally uses him in the book New Moon and yeah, I'd like to just La Push her off a cliff and make sure that Taylor was distracted so he couldn't pull her out of the water. Just let that evil vampire Elizabeth get her. Now that I would like to see, perhaps a new story idea?

_Focus Bella. Focus._

Edward never called or texted me last night, this didn't surprise me. So I was sticking to my plan of heading off to Barnes N Noble to find some kind of book that would tell me something I probably already knew and give me more false hope that I was going to be normal again.

_But what exactly is normalcy?_

I didn't have an answer to that. But going to Barnes N Noble and looking through the self-help section was way better than getting diagnosed by a professional, people judge you for going to a crazy doctor they don't judge you for visiting the self-help section at your local bookstore.

_Or do they?_

Suddenly I was paranoid.

I pulled into the closest parking space I could find, turned off the engine and slowly made my way into the massive bookstore. This was actually one of my favorite places, I would routinely come here with my laptop to sip on a frozen coffee while typing out chapters to my current story project.

This was a different mission entirely.

I was glad to see that there weren't very many people in the store; this would make for better odds that nobody spotted me in the aisle of doom.

My first stop wasn't the diagnose your own mental issue aisle, but I decided to hit up the section that had books that would help me with my writing. Buying one of these and holding it over the other book was my plan and then if I ran into someone they wouldn't know I was insane.

I browsed the titles on writing mechanics, grammar, vocabulary, and even several selections on how to get yourself published. I eventually settled on a book called _The Book on Writing: The Ultimate Guide to Writing well._ This was going to be my decoy book; at least it was something I might actually use. Sadly, I was pretty sure this writing book was going to help me more than my selection was bound to.

_It was time._

I took a deep breath and scanned the aisle for the one that I needed, I spotted it closer to the other end of the store.

_Of all the damn rotten luck._

Silently, I cursed a lot more than that under my breath.

_It's time for ninja stealth mode._

At least that's what I was going to pretend I was in. Nobody can see me, I'm a damn ninja.

Creeping through the aisles I must have looked like an idiot. I would stand on my tip-toes to check for tops of heads over the massive shelves of books. If they were too high for me, I'd peak around the corner before entering that particular aisle.

Once I got to my destination I tried my best to look nonchalant. Luckily for me right next to the crazy people's section was cook books. I grabbed one and pretended to browse through it while I continued to check to the left and the right and look over the shelves to see if anyone was in an aisle near me and might end up mosey over.

The coast was clear for now, I had to be fast.

This wasn't my first rodeo and I had made the mistake in the past of not being so careful when shopping for selections in this particular aisle. I had been standing in front of the self-help books browsing a particular title about dating when some big lug came around and made some crack about it.

I was mortified plain and simple. I was sure this idiot hadn't gotten laid in at least a year, but none the less he noticed what I was looking at.

_Who does that? I don't ever look at anything other people are looking at in a bookstore. You go to a bookstore to purchase books, some of those books you can read in public places and others you can't. I might pay attention to someone's book when they are reading it in a public place. Skimming a title in a public place is hardly an offense._

Damn, I really really thought too much into this shit.

My eyes looked over the massive selection of books. _He's Just not that into You, Men are From Mars Women are from Venus, How to Exorcise your Ex, Why Men Love Bitches, _and _Single: The Art of being Satisifed._ Sadly, most of those titles already existed in my top dresser drawer right underneath all the sexy lingerie I own that hasn't been out in years.

I sighed.

One of the titles finally jumped out at me, after spending a longer than necessary time browsing. _Right Places to Meet Mr. Right_ sounded like what I was looking for. I snatched the book from its place on the shelf and quickly read the back cover.

_Are you lonely? Are you depressed? Are you still stuck on your asshole ex-boyfriend? Then this book is for you! I'll hold your hand as you take that step into the real world and we'll explore the perfect places to go to meet different kinds of men. _

Yup. That was my selection, but I was sure I'd be back here. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, hell maybe not even next month, but I was sure I'd be returning.

I turned on my heel to get the hell out of this aisle still looking down at the book, not really paying much attention to where I was going until I ran smack into what felt like a brick wall.

_A very warm brick wall that just groaned._

The book flopped on the floor; a hand reached out and grabbed me by the arm before I toppled over.

"Are you ok?" It was a husky voice, and it was oddly familiar.

I looked up into the dark eyes that haunted me in my dreams.

_Jacob. What the fuck was he doing here?_

A grin formed on his face when he realized who I was, "Sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going." I said to him, my eyes nervously darted to the floor. The book had landed with the front cover facing the floor.

_There was a god after all._

"Hey! Bella. Long time no see." Yeah, guess he thought he was funny since he just saw me last night. He looked around a bit, possibly searching for the wine sipper?

"Oh, you dropped this." Jacob bent over to retrieve my book, of course flipping it over and reading said title.

_Could I perhaps fit into my purse?_

Amusement played on his face as he handed it back to me, I quickly tucked it behind the other book that was now guarded behind my crossed arms.

"Thanks." It was definitely more of a mumble than anything coherent.

Pivoting on my heel I turned, not even caring if anyone else was there. It didn't really matter, they couldn't see that stupid book anymore, and the worst thing that could happen just happened.

I didn't get far till I felt a large hand grab my arm. "Bella. Wait a second. You want to go get a drink, one that I'm not serving. I would like to be on the other side of the bar with you."

I almost dropped both books.


End file.
